Regulation Before Expectation
Simply put:
Before we expect children to listen…
Before we expect them to use words…
Before we expect problem-solving, sharing, or following directions…
We first support their nervous system - a dysregulated brain cannot access learning, reasoning, or self-control.
This isn’t permissive parenting. This isn’t “letting kids get away with everything.”
It’s developmentally appropriate parenting rooted in how the brain actually works.
What’s Happening in the Brain During Big Feelings
When children experience big emotions, stress, fatigue, hunger, or sensory overload, the brain shifts into survival mode. The amygdala has taken over and they are no longer able to access their rational thinking.
To support this explanation using kid-friendly language:
Guard Dog Brain – Keeps us safe. Reacts fast. Barks, growls, panics (amygdala)
Owl Brain – Thinks, plans, problem-solves, and makes good choices (frontal cortex)
Remembering Hippo – Stores memories, routines, and learned skills (hippocampus)
When the Guard Dog Brain is in charge, access to the Owl Brain and Remembering Hippo is limited.
That means:
They may know the rule… but can’t use it.
They may have the skill… but can’t access it.
They may want to do better… but their body isn’t ready yet.
This aligns with what research tells us: young children need co-regulation from adults before they can independently regulate their emotions and behavior.
Regulation Comes First
The Owl Brain (frontal cortex) is essentially offline when the Guard Dog (amygdala) is barking and signaling a possible threat. This means your child cannot respond to words and directives such as, “Use your words.” or “Let’s find a solution.”
Instead, we start with co-regulation.
Co-regulation can look like:
Sitting close, may say “I’m here if you want a hug or snug.”
Slow breathing together
Rocking, swaying, or gentle movement
Quiet presence
Open body language
Once the body begins to calm, then we move into expectations and teaching.
This sequencing matters.
Regulation → Connection → Teaching → Expectation
Not the other way around.
What Regulation Before Expectation Sounds Like
Instead of:
“You know better.”
“Stop that right now.”
“Go to time out.”
Try:
“I see your body is having a hard time.”
“I’m here. You’re safe.”
“Let’s help your body calm first.”
These messages tell the nervous system:
I’m not alone.
I’m safe.
Help is available.
From that place, learning becomes possible. The guard dog is calm, and the “thinking” part of the brain can be accessed.
Teaching Children About Their Brain
When children understand what’s happening inside their brain, they gain:
Language for their experience
Reduced shame
Increased self-awareness
A sense of control
Using simple characters like:
Owl (thinking brain, frontal cortex)
Guard Dog (safety brain, amygdala)
Remembering Hippo (memory brain, hippocampus)
helps make abstract concepts concrete and child-friendly.
Children begin to say things like:
“My Guard Dog is barking.”
“My Owl isn’t awake yet.”
“I need help.”
That is powerful self-advocacy.
Child Mind Institute emphasizes that building emotional awareness and coping skills in early childhood supports long-term resilience and mental health.
Using the Brain Resource in a Calming Spot
Your calming spot does not need to be fancy. Think:
A small, predictable space
Soft lighting or natural light
A few regulation tools
Visuals that support understanding
Place the Owl / Guard Dog / Remembering Hippo Brain Resource in this space so children can:
Look at it when they’re calm
Reference it when dysregulated
Use it as part of the reflection after a hard moment
Ways families use this resource:
“Let’s look at which part of your brain was in charge.”
“What helps wake up your Owl?”
“What can we do to calm your Guard Dog?”
This keeps the focus on skills, not punishment.
What Comes After Regulation
Once a child is calmer:
Then we talk.
Then we problem-solve.
Then we practice expectations through play.
This might sound like:
“Your body is calmer now.”
“Let’s talk about what happened.”
“What could we try next time?”
“I’ll help you practice.”
Now the Owl Brain can participate.
Now learning sticks.
A Gentle Reminder
Children are not giving us a hard time.
They are having a hard time.
Regulation before expectation reminds us:
Behavior is communication.
Connection builds capacity.
Skills develop over time.
When we meet children with calm, empathy, and structure, we’re not lowering expectations. We’re building the foundation that makes expectations possible.
Free Download
Understanding Your Child’s Brain: Owl, Guard Dog, & Remembering Hippo
A child-friendly visual to support regulation, emotional awareness, and calming spaces.
👉 Brain Mapping - The Animals in My Brain
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